Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Divorce Agreement

Divorce Agreement
Dear American Liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the of this latest election process has made me realize I want a divorce...I know we tolerated each other for many for the sake of future generations, but sadly this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so lets just end this on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass; each taking a similar portion. This will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective represntatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the activist judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Morre and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for findng a bio-diesael vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Cabela's and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, foodstamps, homeless, homebopys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot hockey mom's, girls that bowhunt, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bible and you can give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll reatin the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and the war protestors. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll provide them security.
We'll keep Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the UN but we will no longer pay the bill.
We'll keep the SUV's, pick-up trucks and car manufactured by Americans. You can have every Hyundai, Nissan or Hybrid you can find (watch out for the accelerators on some of them).
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll keep the Battle Hymn of the Republic and the NAtional Anthem. I am sure you will be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd like to teach the world to sing, Kum Ba Ya or We are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can conitnue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. Remember, the Russians and East Germans failed at it, but I am sure you'll get it right this time.
Since it offends you, we'll keep our hitory, our name and our Flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded Democratic and Republican Patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. it is after all a free country.
In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you know which one of us will be needing the help of the other in 15 years.
Sincerely,
A lot of U.S.
P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Steisand & Jane Fonda with you.
P.S.S When you call for help you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

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